A few months following the death of my father I was had an experience that I am eternally grateful for. It was a beautiful summer night and I had been invited attend a party with my friends. I gladly accepted on the thought that by putting myself in a situation where I would be around people that were happy that I would be happy myself. I needed any glimmer of joy to enter into my life because at the time on the inside I was dying. As the night drew on I faked the smiles but realized that no matter what I did I could not by happy. I had thought that by being around people I loved I would somehow feel that I wasn’t alone, but in reality I felt the most alone that crowded room. We determined that we were going to change locations of the party to someone else’s house which meant that I had the choice to leave or to stay. I returned to my truck and made the decision that I wasn’t going to follow the crowd and leave. instead of going to the different venue I decided that I would drive my truck to the cemetery and visit my father’s headstone, a place I had gone many times searching for solace. I arrived at the cemetery parked my car and proceeded to my father’s headstone the weight of the sorrow I was carrying proving to be almost unbearable. I sat in silence for a few minutes and realized that me venturing to the cemetery would not make me feel any better. So I decided to kneel to pray and plead with God to help me bear this burden that I was now bearing, but no answer came.
I then prayed that God would inspire one of my friends to call or at least realize that I had not joined them and text asking if I was okay. I was certain that God would answer my prayer and that someone would text, but nothing ever came. I prayed again this time more fervently than before “please send someone to rescue me.” A thought then entered into my mind that I did not expect “ask for help, text Abby Gardiner”. Immediately I thought “ask for help? I can’t do that! I am the one that is supposed to be strong and I can’t let anyone know that I am hurting but I really needed help. I sat at this crossroads for a time and thought I can either be prideful and remain in pain or take a chance and hope that Abby would answer. So I decided to send the text but I didn’t want to give the impression that I was hurting so I sent a text saying “Hey I’m not going to be joining you guys I have something I need to do. have fun”. To which a reply came almost immediately, “where are you?” I couldn’t lie but at the same time I didn’t want to tell Abby where I really was because knowing her she would come and I didn’t want her to see me hurting I was supposed to be stronger than that. After a while, I finally replied that I was at the cemetery. Abby then replied saying “Jackson and I will be there in a few minutes.” True to their word Jackson Hatch and Abby came. They sat with me that night listened as I tried to talk, the tears preventing most of my words from coming out. At one point Jackson said something that I will never forget. He said “I haven’t had many spiritual experiences in my life but I just heard a voice in my head that was not mine… It said, tell Jamer that I love him”. Peace and love immediately filled my soul and I knew that it was my father speaking through Jackson.
I have pondered many times over those six words spoken by my dear friend. Why couldn’t God or my dad have just told me that themselves. Could it have possibly been my Dad speaking? And if it was why did he use Jamer instead of Jamison? As I have thought about these questions a great deal I have come to a couple of conclusions. One, in that moment I was incapable of feeling their love. I have no doubt that both my Heavenly and Earthly Fathers wanted to tell me how much they loved me, but because I was in so much pain that I had closed myself off to them so they used Jackson. I have since spoke of this with Jackson and he told me that in that moment he felt unqualified to help me but in reality he had helped me in the only way I could be reached. Two, I have since realized that the use of Jamer instead of Jamison made that experience even more meaningful. My parents gave me the nickname of Jamer when I was young and it has grown to be a name that my family and closest friends use. So to make me realize that it was my dad speaking he used Jamer to prove to me that it was really him.
With that story as a backdrop I wish to write a little about the meaning of a name. Now I realize that I am no expert and the things that I say are my thoughts. I hope that as you read this you will feel God’s love for you, be enlightened, and wish to live a little better. Names are given to us to identify who we are. There may be hundreds of people with the same first name as you but there is only one you. You make your name who it is. Names, depending on the person, can have either a positive or a negative connotation. They can remind of people or things we would like to emulate or perhaps neglect. No matter what our view of a name is and where it comes from we still need to realize that our name came from somewhere. The only people who have the authority to give us a name are God, our parents, and Christ. We are all children of our Heavenly Father and he knows us by name. God knew us before we were born on this earth and to prove it God said to his prophet Jerimiah in Jeremiah 1:5 it says, “Before I formed the in the belly I knew the”. Our parents gave us a name when we entered into this world. Names are given to children for different reasons, some are named after relatives, some are named after songs, some are named after people their parents knew or perhaps just because their parents really loved that name. On my mission my mission, Elder Larry J. EchoHawk told us “those that you teach will never forget you. Some of them will name their children or grandchildren after you. There is no higher honor than naming someone after you.” In the Book of Mormon, it tells of a Father who named his children to help them remember their ancestors it says,
“For they remembered the words which their father Helaman spake unto them. And these are the words which he spake: Behold, my sons, I desire that ye should remember to keep the commandments of God; and I would that ye should declare unto the people these words. Behold, I have given unto you the names of our first parents who came out of the land of Jerusalem; and this I have done that when you remember your names ye may remember them; and when ye remember them ye may remember their works ye may know how that it is said, and also written, that they were good. Therefore, my sons, I would that ye should do that which is good, that it may be said of you, and also written, even as it has been said and written of them.”
Nephi and Lehi remembered their names and performed many miracles and did much good. How do we want to be remembered? Do we want our names to be remembered for the good deeds we did or do we want people to remember the things we should have done? It is up to us to decide how we want to be remembered.
Our names are special and there is power in a name. A group of professionals decided to ask a group of four to eight year olds what the meaning of love was to them. One four-year-old boy replied, “When someone love you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” I am thankful for the people that say my name just a little different and I know that my name is safe in their mouth and that they truly love me. Do we love as this four year old boy described? Do we keep other people’s names safe in our mouths? Do we live up to our names? I have the honor of being named after my Father. Because I bear his name I try to act as he would. Now I am not my father, I don’t feel that I can measure up to who he was. How can I? How can you be someone that loving, that selfless, that kind? I guess we can only try. I act differently now that father has passed away because I bear his name and have realized the importance of my name, after all I am my father’s son. No matter where our name comes from are we are all the children of our Heavenly Father. That is a title we cannot forget and we have a responsibility to become like him. We are not perfect and he realizes that. It may take an eternity to become like him but we must try nonetheless. When a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is baptized they take upon them the name of Christ and promise to always remember him. By so taking on Christ’s name one is expected to act as Christ would, talk as he would and walk where he walked. Is Christ’s name safe in our mouth? Do we live in a way he would approve to have us use his name? Again, no one is perfect but as we strive to follow Christ’s example we will become more like him and when we shall see him we will have his image engraved upon our countenance.
I would like to return for the remainder of my writing on the truth that God knows us by name. In Isaiah chapter 43, verses 1 and 2 it says, “Fear not: for I have redeemed the, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passesth through the waters I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; when thou walketh through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flames upon thee.” God has promised us that he will not abandon us. Trials will come, tempests may rage but the God of the universe will never leave us alone. He will come to our aide. He has a plan for us and loves us more than we can possibly imagine. I would like to end with the following story told by Elder Kevin W. Pearson.
“Nearly 20 years ago, our fifth son, Benjamin, was born. My wife sensed that something wasn’t right with Benjamin’s eyes. We consulted a close friend and retinal specialist in our ward, who confirmed our concerns and diagnosed Benjamin’s condition as retinal blastoma, a rare form of cancer of the eye. The news was devastating.
A few weeks later, Benjamin was to have the first of many surgical treatments. Prior to the operation we met with the surgeon and told him that we believed that he would find that Benjamin’s eye would be healed and not need to be removed. Our entire family and many ward members were fasting and praying for our son, and we had great faith that Benjamin would be healed.
An hour later, the surgeon returned and confirmed that Benjamin’s eye had been destroyed by the tumor cells and that his other eye also had several serious tumors that needed immediate treatment. I was speechless. Completely overcome with grief and disbelief, I walked out of the hospital into the damp San Francisco morning and began to walk, weeping bitterly.
I had done everything I had been taught to do. We had prayed and received a strong impression to select this doctor. We had fasted and prayed and felt certain that our infant son would be healed through faith and through the power of the priesthood. Yet the Lord had not intervened. Our faith it seems had been no more than vain hope. I began to question everything I had ever believed. As I walked, I felt betrayed and angry. I was overcome with pain.
I am not proud of the conversation I had with Heavenly Father as I walked and wept that morning. After a time, I got hold of myself emotionally. I remember the words of a children’s Primary song coming into my mind. “Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child’s prayer?” Because you clearly haven’t been listening to mine or maybe you just don’t really care about me and my son. (“A Child’s Prayer,” Children’s Songbook, 12.)
In that moment, a tender mercy came. In my mind and heart, I felt these words: “Kevin, he is my son too.”
When life gets hard remember these words “Fear not: for I have redeemed the, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.” In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.